I hear you. It is not easy to deal with. In the Conversational Experiment group we developed conventions for letting somebody know they were going on too long, and to stop the conversation for a moment and process what happened. But that really only works for people who already have the basic skills for having a conversation, and who're able to learn to do it a bit better.
When a group meets at a known time in a known place, it is awkward and unpleasant to tell somebody that they're no longer welcome. They might fight it, might show up anyway. Some people in the group might think it is too harsh, and we should give them some more chances, etc. And one ends up with unusual solutions, like you did, to end the group and start it again without telling the unwelcome person.
What I think is more likely to be a solution is some kind of Open Space kind of setup, where there always are multiple spaces. If one doesn't vibe with the serious conversation in the living room, one can go and hang out in the kitchen and talk about sports. And if somebody doesn't want to listen, they can leave. The problem is when there's perceived to be only one space with one thing going on, and somebody has other needs than the majority of the participants.
And I'm hoping to find a system of doing something like that online. Where, worst case, everybody can easily leave and move to another room. But I'd like there to be a pleasant place to hang out also for the people who weren't invited to go along. In principle there's infinite space for all modes of communication, but not for all of them in one particular place.
My wife and I have held small group meetings and an off for several years. Most of them have had a fairly strict format which has its pros and cons, but all of them have required members to not invalidate or evaluate other members after they have shared, or interrupt them while they are sharing.
About 4 years ago, we experimented using a looser format, and I advertised on a local website for interested parties and got about 4 replies.
One of the people who responded and subsequently joined the group it transpired had mental heath problems (I don't like t put it that way, but that's just the way it was). He turned out to be this lonely old guy who it seems would have joined almost any group. He was a chronic and compulsive talker and would start sharing in what at first *seemed* to be a coherent manner, but would subsequently end up sharing a kind of stream of consciousness flow of nonsense.
This went on for several weeks and as the token facilitator, I had to keep asking him to please stop talking so that other members could share. He would do so for about a minute or so, but then would compulsively interrupt.
In the end we were forced to stop the group and then restart it without telling him. It was not an ideal solution, but I couldn't think of any other solution at the time.
I hear you. It is not easy to deal with. In the Conversational Experiment group we developed conventions for letting somebody know they were going on too long, and to stop the conversation for a moment and process what happened. But that really only works for people who already have the basic skills for having a conversation, and who're able to learn to do it a bit better.
When a group meets at a known time in a known place, it is awkward and unpleasant to tell somebody that they're no longer welcome. They might fight it, might show up anyway. Some people in the group might think it is too harsh, and we should give them some more chances, etc. And one ends up with unusual solutions, like you did, to end the group and start it again without telling the unwelcome person.
What I think is more likely to be a solution is some kind of Open Space kind of setup, where there always are multiple spaces. If one doesn't vibe with the serious conversation in the living room, one can go and hang out in the kitchen and talk about sports. And if somebody doesn't want to listen, they can leave. The problem is when there's perceived to be only one space with one thing going on, and somebody has other needs than the majority of the participants.
And I'm hoping to find a system of doing something like that online. Where, worst case, everybody can easily leave and move to another room. But I'd like there to be a pleasant place to hang out also for the people who weren't invited to go along. In principle there's infinite space for all modes of communication, but not for all of them in one particular place.
Hi Flemming.
My wife and I have held small group meetings and an off for several years. Most of them have had a fairly strict format which has its pros and cons, but all of them have required members to not invalidate or evaluate other members after they have shared, or interrupt them while they are sharing.
About 4 years ago, we experimented using a looser format, and I advertised on a local website for interested parties and got about 4 replies.
One of the people who responded and subsequently joined the group it transpired had mental heath problems (I don't like t put it that way, but that's just the way it was). He turned out to be this lonely old guy who it seems would have joined almost any group. He was a chronic and compulsive talker and would start sharing in what at first *seemed* to be a coherent manner, but would subsequently end up sharing a kind of stream of consciousness flow of nonsense.
This went on for several weeks and as the token facilitator, I had to keep asking him to please stop talking so that other members could share. He would do so for about a minute or so, but then would compulsively interrupt.
In the end we were forced to stop the group and then restart it without telling him. It was not an ideal solution, but I couldn't think of any other solution at the time.